"I Am Good Enough"

By itself, it’s too vague.

You’ve probably seen the countless positivity or inspirational posts around with variants of the “you are good enough” message, like “you are worthy no matter what” or “you are perfect just the way you are.”¹ While anyone can debate its intended interpretation, what I wish to express here is the importance of nuance when discussing the idea, so that you can critically apply the message more effectively to allow yourself to develop and improve in the areas that would serve you best.

The “you are good enough” message is clearly aimed at individuals who often have thoughts of inadequacy or issues of self esteem; individuals who have thoughts or act out the belief that “they’re not good enough.”² If you find yourself often thinking you aren’t good enough, you would do well to

take a moment and consider “Not good enough.. at what?”

Once you do this, you can begin the process of moving past the mental rut.

Most will take pause upon being asked this question. Firstly because it’s unusual, but more importantly because it’s actually a complicated question. In order to answer it, you need to figure out what level of conception your statement of yourself was actually referring to. For example, say I just lost a local football tournament and the thought “I’m not good enough” arises. Asking myself “Not good enough at what?” means that I need to figure out whether it’s that I’m not good enough as a person, not good enough as a player (maybe I feel indebted to the coach), not good enough making a scoring kick, not good enough at moving my muscles in time, etc. Which is it? What are you actually judging about yourself?

What I’m getting at is that as you break the judgment down into its component parts, you will always find the range of conceptual levels going from “not good enough at some immediate physical action” all the way up to “not good enough as a human being”. Not asking the question is to deal with a vague judgment, the more unspecific the judgment, the more its consequences (on your emotions, mood, behaviour, relationships, etc.) tilt toward those that result from believing that you’re “not good enough as a human being.”³ People who constantly think this way are not happy campers. Like really.

Localize your inadequacy.

Here are 2 of the most common ways the vague “not good enough” belief shows itself.

First, you assess (accurately or inaccurately) a situation as something outside your domain of competence. You tell yourself you’re not good enough. For example, helplessness on how to ask for that raise, or the classic excuse of “I can’t cook.”

Next, something you consider tragic happened which caused you to suffer, and you assess it (accurately or inaccurately) to be mostly your fault.⁴ You tell yourself you’re not good enough. For example, you feel you let somebody down, or a nasty breakup, etc.

First, the accuracy factor needs to be addressed. You might be wrong in your assessments (imagine that). What does the evidence really say? If it all points to the contrary, whose fault was it that it was perceived inaccurately? Yours. Can you do something about that? Yes, you can update your assessment procedure to be more aligned with reality and the truth.

Secondly, in both scenarios, having the vague “not good enough” belief is a bad strategy, as it defaults to treating it as a judgment that “you’re not good enough as a human being” whereas the more accurate answer most likely rest on a lower conceptual level. After all, you can’t do much about being an inherently bad person, but you can do something about learning to polish up a skill, or develop a competency, etc.

But here's the real rub. Having the vague "not good enough" belief is only a bad strategy if you're trying to actually improve. What I see happening a lot instead is that people would rather choose that vague and unspecified anxiety instead of identifying their real and specific inadequacies. Why? Because

vagueness can be used as an excuse to put off action, whereas knowing an accurately specified inadequacy creates an incessant demand for change.⁵

But reality doesn't cease to exist just because you pretend it doesn't. To learn, develop, and grow, we must know where we are, and we do this by having the courage to see what it is at its highest resolution that we are not good enough at. Only then can we begin to develop a path forward.

If you don’t know what specifically you’re not good enough at, then all you get is a foggy cloud of anxiety-filled doom.⁶

You might say, “Well that’s why it’s good to tell people that they are good enough!” Unfortunately, it suffers from the exact same issue of vagueness. If you don’t know what exactly you’re good enough at, it likewise defaults to “good enough at everything”. Then you’re truly screwed, because if you are good enough at everything, then how did this tragedy that caused you so much suffering happen? “It’s the world’s fault.” And that’s exactly the logical conclusion individuals will arrive at if they hold onto that belief. If ongoing, bitterness and resentment naturally follows.⁷

We all know how undeserved validation feels. Maybe great in the moment, but afterwards, awful. And what are you likely doing when you’re handing out vague “you’re good enough” validations to people who are most in need of some kind of growth or transformation? Exactly that. You might have just robbed them of the potential to become stronger and more competent individuals.

So knowing all this, try to think twice before throwing around vague “you’re good enough” statements at yourself and others.⁸ And if you are someone who has been told that in the past by someone with good intentions, if something feels off, make sure to go back and specify the statement to yourself, then consider its opposite in the same specific manner. This in turn will cultivate and strengthen in you that forward-moving growth mindset which will serve you most invaluably in life.

Recognize that the question "Am I good enough?" is the wrong question. It's like asking "What is the meaning of life?" 42, because

you're never going to get a good answer from the wrong question.⁹

Learn to ask the right question. Identify and localize your inadequacies, then get to work. Skills aren't going to learn themselves.

If this sound a bit too technical to you... Well, that's because it.. kind of is. If you want support, don't hesitate to reach out. Coaching is right here for you.

1. Imagine that. "You're perfect the way you are." Well, why are you suffering then? Crickets.

3. To go deeper here for those interested, I could share the observation that there exists many individuals whose sense of self-agency depends (consciously or unconsciously) on them being someone who "isn't good enough." Yes, there are the "victim mentality" gangs, but what I'm talking about is the next level up from that, which are those who, as Nobel Laureate Albert Camus put it, are possessed by "the desire to despair and to negate." Active nihilism; a misdirection of the power of self-determination.

Camus, A. (1991). The rebel (A. Bower, Trans.). Vintage. (Original work published 1951)

4. An extremely common scenario among those grieving the recent loss of a loved one. Ironically, the more responsible a person you are, the more you'd likely suffer from the big gnawing question of guilt; "What could I have done that might've prevented this from happening?" This is also mighty common for those who recently suffered a debilitating injury that cripples their mobility.

6. This is a good thing to remember when deciding whether or not to try and figure out what you're inadequate at. News flash, choosing willful ignorance ain't pain-free; you get chronic anxiety instead. Hopefully, that alone is enough to justify the momentary pain of learning your own inadequacies.

8. Try this instead: "You're not everything you could be." For best results, try deliver it with a encouraging tone rather than a critical one.

Listen to this article instead

5. Take any argument where you know your side is actually on shaky ground. Do you tend to end up projecting your insecurities or admitting you're wrong? By keeping it vague, individuals attempt to avoid the acute pain of recognizing their own inadequacies. In other words, they'd rather let the wound rot than rip that band-aid off.

7. This is why in fiction, people hate "Mary Sues." These perfect characters are mind-numbingly boring. They are portrayed by the author(s) as perfect entities in a malevolent universe. Since that's not the reality we exist in, it's impossible to relate to them and it reeks of wishful delusion.

9. You know that meme "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes" that shows people getting whooped by the logical consequences of their own actions? This is pretty much that. Alone, "Am I good enough" is a stupid question. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but it's true. You have to add to it if you want to get any value out of it at all.

2. I get it. A confirmation of one's worthiness is a deeply held desire by all human beings. This is why we have created initiation and confirmation ceremonies like knighthood, graduation, marriage, etc. Sometimes, when someone you love is in deep emotional pain from feelings of adequacy, a cold "why-don't-you-think-better" approach is only going to make things worse. Still, even in that scenario, I would caution you against the use of the phrase "you are good enough." There are simply better things to say out there in just as few words.